He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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