girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
