He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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