I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I puked a lego.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
