he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
a search helicopter?!
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
