really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
