I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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