I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
