This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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