We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
