My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
