Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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