Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
