It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
