that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm like, not good at living.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
