If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
where am i from again
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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