My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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