if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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