remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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