Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
