Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
