i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
