She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
i now understand why vodka
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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