Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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