Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
