just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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