Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
