Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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