oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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