Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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