My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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