you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Congratulations! We have a period
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
