why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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