I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
