the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
