Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
