speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Someone shattered a urinal.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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