and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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