Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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