The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
