I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
