I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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