my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
