Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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