I think my vagina is haunted
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
