good thing vaginas are great cup holders
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
