Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
