who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
