I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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