Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
