Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
